I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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