i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
