Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
