trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
