My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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