You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
