The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
