Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
