could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
