Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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