Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
