This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
