Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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