I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
