i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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