I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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