I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
