Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize