I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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