I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
