I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
