sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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