Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
