watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
