Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
