I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
