I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize