I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
