so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My ass is underappreciated
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
