It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
