you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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