At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
