Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
