i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
