We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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