I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I love having hate sex.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
