Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
