I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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