If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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