I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
