go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
