We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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