she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
