I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
