Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
