My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
