My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
