sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
