I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
