I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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