i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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