Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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