Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
