I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
