you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
