So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
