my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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