I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
