I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
