I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
